Self-care, self-love, self-self-self. As a society, we are obsessed with the illusion of health, where seeming healthy is more important than being healthy. Whether that be emotional, mental, or physical, we love it. Though our prioritization of “health” has led to a mindset that focuses on individuality, which causes isolation and a lack of community.
This is no surprise considering the current political chaos that has been ravaging the entire world. Why focus on your rights being taken away when you can bask in a nice, warm bubble bath (with dried rose petals and candlelight).
These behaviors are abundant on TikTok, where pretty girls with bare faces and matching pajamas preach their self-care routines. These recommendations range from keeping a journal to having dates with yourself. What began as harmless tips has now spiraled out of control. A small social circle and strict boundaries are now a must when navigating through life with health in mind.
Do not get me wrong, setting boundaries and being alone with yourself are extremely important to maintaining your mental health. It is when these–supposed–boundaries begin to cut you off from vital social interaction that it becomes dangerous.
Growing up, I was always told to be selfless. To put the interests of others above my own. As a result, I became a people-pleaser. Like, bad. For fear of disappointing those around me, I did everything I was asked to do, which led to my eventual burnout.
Now, in order to combat the aforementioned people-pleasing mentality many adopt due to this belief, they have resorted to a perspective called the “You Don’t Owe Anybody Anything” (YDOAA) mindset. According to this doctrine, all of your emotional debts are paid; therefore, you don’t owe anybody anything. This includes a text back, explanation or even an apology.
When put into practice, this outlook completely rids us of our accountability. It promotes depriving those around us of communication while lacking the self-awareness necessary to admit our own shortcomings.
A TikTok user, @itiffy, walking on a treadmill (very wellness chic), writes, “I’m not ignoring anyone, I’m just prioritizing me like I should’ve always been.”
Rather than sending a text relaying her mental state, she decides to go radio silent. There is no accountability in her statement; she, instead, becomes avoidant–excusing her behavior by stating she is “prioritizing” herself.
In my first semester of junior year, I was severely unmotivated. I would stare at the same computer screen everyday; my eyes glazed over from the harsh blue light. I would sit in the same stiff chairs everyday; my thighs biting into the plastic seat. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see my grades plunging even deeper, with hardly any hope of redemption. I never had time to pursue what I truly wanted to do.
So, in typical teenager fashion, I took it out on those around me. I declined numerous calls from friends and feigned sickness to get out of hangouts. I ignored everyone who tried to reach out. The phone would ring and I would not hear it.
Contrary to popular belief, isolation does not always equal healing. We all need alone time, but sacrificing personal relationships to get to that alone time will just further perpetuate the cycle of loneliness you are already in.
The YDOAA mentality makes it incredibly easy to fall into a rabbit hole of seclusion. Promises of a mental health reset and painless nights echo in your mind as you ignore that friend asking to get dinner, yet again. After all, you do not owe them your time.
As you free-fall downwards, denying those around you any semblance of communication, loneliness starts to creep in. Late nights are spent doing sheet masks and rewatching movies— except now you have no one to share that with.
Typically, these moments would be shared with your community. Now, this does not just include your school or local businesses but also your friends and family. The people you run to when struggling; that is your community.
My own self-inflicted isolation led to the collapse of my personal relationships and, therefore, my community. Emotionally, I was not there. I was checked out, grappling with my own issues. So, the energy was returned. When I would call, I would be less likely to get an answer.
Consequently, these ideas align with individualism. A philosophy that puts an emphasis on the person rather than the collective. In this context, putting an emphasis on yourself and your needs over the people around you. Across the globe, individualism has increased 12% since the 1960s, as cited by the Association for Psychological Sciences (APS).
In a hyper-independent society, community is abandoned. Nobody is willing to sacrifice their own wants for the good of those around them.
In order to build community, you must endure inconveniences. Do not make an excuse when your friend needs a ride and instead give them that ride. You will find that your connections have been strengthened.
Now I ask myself, “Why don’t I want to do this thing?” Whether it be going out or playing Roblox, my reason is typically that I just do not want the hassle. To me, that does not seem like the most valid reason to avoid doing something. So, I do it. I always surprise myself with how enjoyable it is to be around other people. I have made an effort to text back and provide the emotional support my friends need. In return, they have done the same for me.
So, when all of the ‘clean girl’ TikTok influencers continue to push self-care in the form of individualism, remember that isolation is not healing and community is not optional.